You're Still The One
by ForeverYoursxo
Summary: Michelle struggles on the anniversary of Dean's death.
1. Chapter 1

Sorry this one is another one of my darker stories! It must be the weather making me write like this, I am going to try and upload some happier stories at some point, I promise.

'_You're still the one I belong to, you're still the one I want for life, you're still the one I love, the only one I dream of'_

Her fingers slowly open the folder and aimlessly flick between the pages, her eyes not even attempting to read the print, lost in her own thoughts. Her mind casting back to many years ago, the days when she was most content, when she had everything in her life that she could possibly wish for, the most beautiful little child and a husband who doted on the two of them, having already dealt with numerous situations and remaining strong, she truly believed they could survive anything. This hadn't been how she had planned her life, never thought she would have found her soul mate so early on in life, she never dreamt she'd have been that lucky. She clearly remembers the fear she felt when she realised she was pregnant at such an young age, believing nobody would stand by her and help her, she remembers the relief she felt when she told her boyfriend he was going to be a father, his strong arms instantly embracing her and she knew from that moment everything would be alright. Next came the engagement, just a few months after her son had been born, a small smile forms across her face as she recalls that night, how she burst into tears as he bent down on one knee, how perfect everything had been, her whole family had been so happy and it was all she ever could have asked for. Despite her not being overly keen on her brothers choice of wife, she couldn't deny how happy Paul had been since meeting and falling for Carla, and Liam had been doing what he does best and playing his way around most of the women in the Manchester area.

That is all the positive memories she has of her life, from then on it feels like a dark cloud covers over and it all turns sour. She will never be able to shake the piercing sound of the knock on the door from her memory nor the look of remorse on the police womans face as she turned Michelle's whole life around in just a matter of words. The night she learnt of her husbands death, the night it felt like someone reached in and tore out her heart, the moment when she also presumed both of her brothers were dead, not knowing how she would survive without any of them, she always had doubted herself as a mother, and now without Dean around she went into turmoil over the future of her and their son, how would she tell him that his father is dead, and what implications would that have on him as a child? She then remembers telling the frightened little boy what was going on, why his mum could not stop crying, why she was so scared, the way he seemed to crawl into a shell, and completely cut her out nearly killed her there and then, the thought of being alone terrifying her. Having to leave her son that night to go and identify her husbands body will always be the worst night of her life, his face as she left him with her mother still flashes clearly in her mind, as if he convinced himself that she too wouldn't be returning.

The sight of the body lying flat, a thin white sheet pulled up over the head, Michelle already knew it was her husband that lay beneath, but that did not stop the gasp and sobs that escaped her mouth as they slowly pulled the sheet back, revealing the body beneath. It was definitely her Dean, her husband, Ryan's Dad. Michelle remembers how that memory was the cause of so many nightmares over the years that followed, knowing she would never be able to erase the image of his pale face and blue lips, the deep wound that lay just above his eye from her memory, she hated that this was the way she would remember the love of her life.

"Michelle, whats wrong?"

She jumps slightly as the sound of Carla's voice brings her back into the real world and out of her thoughts, she had been so consumed in them she hadn't noticed the tears that had managed to escape from within and they proceeded to fall gently down her cheeks, even after all these years the anniversary of his death never got any easier, it always felt like it was only yesterday, as raw as the day she found out. She quickly glances around at her surroundings, the factory instantly reminding her of her brothers and making the whole ordeal worse. As she feels a comforting arm on her shoulder she quickly stands up, pushing herself away from a confused looking Carla, she quickly reaches for her bag, suddenly desperate for some fresh air and rushing out of the building quickly telling her best friend that she needed a minute and it is only once she reaches her flat that she allows herself to break down properly, realising the memory will always be there and that she will never get over him. She glances over at Ryan's room, slowly opening the door and watching his sleeping form, the exact same way she had done on that night, now not even attempting to stop her falling tears.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for the reviews, I really do appreciate them, so much. At first this was only going to be a one shot because if I'm honest, I don't think I'm great at writing deep emotional stories, but I'll give it a go for a couple more chapters and see where I end up. There's a couple of things that I think show through Michelle's character that could relate back to Dean so… Anyway I'll stop rambling on, and again I appreciate anyone reading this. 

'_It feels like the weight of the world, have the angels turned their back on me? It feels like the weight of the world, I still remember how it felt when you loved me'_

The tears finally subsided as a large glass of wine was poured, but her eyes remained damp as she slumped back down on the sofa, tucking her legs underneath her and sighing deeply, this years anniversary had been made worse by her current situation, she thought about how much of a mess her life was, she had lost the only other man she had pictured her future with when he upped and left for a life on the cruise ships despite her refusing to go with him and not only that, her son was now a drug user and she found she was unable to do anything but stand by and watch as he pressed his own self destruct button and she felt her heart break all over again as he told yet another lie that she so desperately wanted to believe.

She felt like she didn't know him anymore, he may not be her son by blood but in the years that followed Dean's death they had only had each other to lean and depend on and their bond had become surprisingly strong, Michelle had always adored her son, but always felt it was Dean who had the best relationship when he was born, he seemed to do everything right, sending Ryan to sleep within minutes of taking him in his arms, where as it would take Michelle much longer. As Ryan had grown up, he only ever seemed to get excited when his Dad walked through the door after a day at work, and she would stand and watch at the window as they played together in the garden, she watched on as Ryan took his first steps and the first time his Dad taught him to kick a ball. She never worried too much that he seemed to prefer his father, because he had promised he would always be around, that he would never leave them.

She remembers how her son barely spoke a word to her at Dean's funeral, she blamed it on the atmosphere and hoped that now it was all over he could start to return to his usual outgoing self, but this hadn't happened, he lashed out, cried and screamed at her, it almost felt like he blamed her for the fact he no longer had a father figure in his life, and this made things even more difficult for Michelle, the only reason she got through each day was down to the support she gained from her two older brothers, but looking back it now makes her feel worse, as she realises so much of that was down to the fact they were wracked with guilt, because they were the reason her and Ryan had lost their way, lost everything that was considered normal, everything that she had ever known and most of all they were to blame for cruelly taking her best friend and soul mate away.

The sound of her phone ringing brings her back to reality as she glances at the flashing screen she smiles weakly as she sees Carla's name, the only person who seemed to care for her anymore and she feels increasingly guilty for storming out of the factory without giving her any sort of explanation, but despite this she still isn't ready to talk, fearing her voice will crack and the tears will fall if she tries to speak a single word. Instead she ignores it, and reaches into a cupboard and retrieves a photo album, she has to wipe the dust from its cover, this album doesn't come out very often because it reminds her of the perfect life she once had and it is simply just too painful to look back at what she has lost over the years.

The first photo that she comes across makes her smile for the first time that day, a Christmas party that her Mum and Dad had thrown, which was always the highlight of the holiday season for their family. Michelle traces her finger over the picture, each of the people in the photo have smiles on their faces, real smiles, not the fake ones that are forced on these days, she looks at how her and Dean are in the middle, his arms protectively wrapped around her waist with Paul and Carla to their left, she smiles at the happiness on her oldest brothers face and at the way Carla is draped over his shoulders, then to her right there is Liam, with baby Ryan on his shoulders, obviously giggling in amusement at being taller than anybody else, it is the perfect photo and Michelle takes it out and rummages through another draw in search of a photo frame, she eventually finds one and slots the image in and gives it pride of place on her window sill, she then proceeds to quickly down the rest of her wine before retrieving another from the fridge, the sound of the buzzer in her flat causes her to jump slightly, spilling the red liquid over the unit, Michelle can't help but sigh, throwing a tea towel over the mess before slowly walking towards to the phone.

'Hello?'

'Michelle it's me, let me up please'

Michelle stands motionless for a second before buzzing her up, knowing it was all eating her up inside, she knows she has to talk to someone in order to feel better on a day like today, and it is then she decides she has to let Carla in, because she is the only one she has left, and she realises she can't push her away, she needs to keep her as close as possible.


	3. Chapter 3

Again, Thank you so so much for the reviews, it is nice to write a fic based on Michelle for a change, although Carla is featured a lot in this chapter. Anyway, thank you for reading and an even bigger thank you to those who take the time to review, means a lot.

'_At night I pray, that soon your face will fade away, every time I try to fly, I fall without my wings I feel so small, I guess I need you baby, and every time I see you in my dreams I see your face, it's haunting me, I guess I need you baby'_

Michelle stood back after opening the door slightly as she heard the footsteps growing closer, harshly rubbing at her eyes with the sleeve of her top, desperately trying to hide any trace of the tears she had shed, although she knew it was a waste of time and that Carla would see straight through her.

She faced away as her best friend entered the flat, trying to look busy by pouring herself another drink, she froze to the spot as she felt a comforting hand on her shoulder, but still refused to turn and look Carla in the eye. She shrugged her off before moving to sit down on the sofa again.

Carla frowned slightly as she watched her, before moving to sit down beside her, but her eyes were drawn to the photo frame that Michelle had not long placed on the window sill and she felt her stomach drop as it suddenly hit her and she realised the reason Michelle hadn't been herself all day, she felt awful for not remembering, as she sat down beside her best friend, slowly slipping her arm around her shoulders once more, almost breathing a sigh of relief when she didn't pull away from her.

'Come here you' Carla whispered as she gently dragged Michelle's body closer to her, allowing her to fall into her arms and lay her head against her chest.

'I'm sorry for storming out before' Michelle spoke, but her eyes remained fixed elsewhere, still not feeling strong enough to look directly at Carla, her fingers fiddling with one of the charms on her bracelet trying to distract herself from the situation.

'No, I'm sorry for not realising what today was, I should have known 'Chelle' She let out a weak smile as she gently stroked her fingers through her short dark hair. Michelle shuffled up slightly, her eyes finally connecting with Carla's for the first time that day, she gave a small smile before reaching and retrieving the album slowly continuing to flick through the photographs, smiling and laughing as her and Carla were able to reminisce the happier times in their lives.

They both sat together for a couple of hours, not noticing the time fly by, both reliving so many of the memories that the photos held, Pauls 18th , Liam's 18th and even Michelle and Carla's 18th birthdays, Ryan's christening, Carla and Pauls wedding, Michelle and Dean's wedding and many more family celebrations and Carla was just grateful that there was now a smile back on Michelle's face, although it resembled the kind of smile that had been her first after Dean's death, and that had also been down to her. She remembers back then, remembers how poor Michelle was being mithered by her mother, Helen was just relentless, she had become ridiculously over protective over her daughter and grandson, and Carla remembers how vulnerable Michelle felt, she could tell how she felt smothered, unable to do anything on her own and like she had lost all of her independence and that she couldn't do it on her own and that other people also thought the same way. It had been Carla who had spoken to Helen, warned her to back down and give Michelle space, which as usual had resulted in a heated argument, Helen loved any reason to snipe at Carla and having her stand up for Michelle had been the perfect opportunity, but it was all worth it in Carla's eyes because Helen had taken a step back and this meant that Carla had been able to watch Michelle begin to try and re compose her life, and despite the fact they didn't have the strongest of relationships, Carla knew she would never forget that night, Michelle had found her after her argument with Helen, and given her a very rare hug, thanked her and for the first time in months, the corners of her mouth had moved slightly upwards, a grateful smile placed upon her face and Carla can clearly remember how exhausted the young woman had looked back then, and she only wished she could have taken some of the pain she was feeling. She knew that despite how much she was currently struggling, Michelle was strong enough to get through this, and re build her life and do a fantastic job of bringing up her son single handed. Carla had never doubted her and Michelle hadn't disappointed her, over the year that followed she had slowly but surely returned to her former self, feisty and confident, just as she had been before Dean died.

'You've gone quiet' Michelle gently took Carla's hand, giving it a weak squeeze.

'Just gets you thinking doesn't it' and after flashing Michelle a quick smile she collected the photos and placed them on the side, hearing Michelle only mumble in agreement.

The door slowly clicked open and both women turned to find Ryan, he didn't mutter a word as he made his way towards his bedroom and Michelle lifted a hand to her mouth as she saw the red puffiness around his eyes, she knew that today would be hard for him, Ryan still remembered his Dad and after finally letting his guard down and breaking down over his current drug problem to Michelle just a few days ago, he had tried to act normal this morning, but Michelle had watched him from the window as he walked across the street, straight over to Dev's and she watched on as she had purchased a beautiful bunch of flowers, and she knew he would be going to visit his Dad.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry it's been a while, Uni work hasn't half built up since I've started my second year.. Hope there is still some interest in this fic.. This chapter is kind of a bit of a filler, and some drabble. I've got some flashbacks to Carla/Michelles youth to come in the next chapter.. As always, I would love to know what you all think

'He can't even look at me – he actually hates me'

Carla flinches at the lack of emotion in her best friends voice as she speaks those words, it scares her as she looks into Michelle's usually beautiful dark eyes, that normally have an unusually bright sparkle in them, but at this moment there is nothing, her eyes are dull and emotionless and it breaks Carla's heart to watch her.

'Michelle, it's a tough day for you all and Ry's had a tough enough time recently, just give him some space yeah, you know that kid could never hate you' she squeezes Michelle's stone cold hand as she speaks, almost trying to give her some strength somehow.

Michelle manages to force herself to give Carla a quick sad smile, she is unbelievably grateful to still have her around on the Street and in her life, nobody else around her knew Dean, none of them would ever understand how much she loved that man, and how she would never feel the same way about anyone else as she did about Dean. She always guesses this is the reason none of her other relationships had ever worked out, Sonny, Steve, Ciaran, the only other men she had tried her very best to have a serious relationship with, she blamed herself for the two of those that had been unfaithful to her, convincing herself that they knew that they would never compare to her late husband and maybe the pain she suffered through all of the men she had dated was karma for attempting to move on with her life, knowing full well Dean always had her heart. She had even tried to have some fun relationships, nothing to serious with Luke and Peter, and even those had never amounted to anything.

She soon realises the tears must be falling again, by the feel of the strong embrace from her former sister in law and a breath she hadn't even realised was being confined deep within her finally manages to escape, allowing her body to relax against Carla's as a comforting hand strokes delicately up and down the length of her back, she can allow herself to be weak around Carla, because she is the only person Michelle knows who has suffered pretty much the same loss as herself, and who knows how badly it hurts, and how even with time it doesn't seem to get any easier once you allow yourself to sit and reminisce.

Carla sighs sadly as she holds her best friend as tightly as possible, looking down and gently using her right hand to remove the tears from Michelle's usually flawless complexion, she hates to see her suffering, it's not often Michelle ever lets her guard down which is the main reason Carla knows how much of a big deal this is for her. One thing Carla had always admired about Michelle was her determination and strength, how after every heartbreak she had encountered she seemed to manage to pick herself up and carry on, all the while looking after others. Looking back, Carla realises how incredible Michelle had been over the weeks that followed Dean's death, she never once cried in front of her son, who was just as devastated and confused as she was, but not once did she falter, keeping up the 'everything is OK' act. The only time Carla can remember where Michelle had been un capable of carrying on as normal was over Liam's death, but Carla can sympathise, knowing how lost Michelle had felt without her two elder brothers to turn to whenever anything wasn't going right. It felt like they both lost a safety net when they lost them two men.

She smiles as she glances down and realises Michelle has finally tired herself out and fallen into a slumber. Carla watches her gentle breathing and slowly pushes some of her dark, silky hair out of the way of her face, carefully tucking it behind her ear so it is not teasing her skin, wanting her to be as comfortable as possible, knowing her vivid memories had probably been haunting her sleep over the previous few nights. A door slamming, causes Carla to finally take her eyes away from Michelle and she glares up and places a finger to her lips as Ryan finally emerges from his room, his own eyes red and slightly swollen from his own tears, this week had been bad enough for him with finding out the truth about the girlfriend he thought generally loved him, Carla beckons him over to near the sofa and reaches out for his hand, giving him a reassuring smile, and she watches the way he glances at Michelle before moving to retrieve a drink, being as quiet as possible. Carla watches as he gives her the smallest of smiles, taking another look at his Mum before retreating back into the confines of his bedroom, the only place he felt like he could allow his own walls to come down, he hates the mess he has got himself into and the pain that he is causing Michelle and on today of all days he just wishes he had Dean in his life, to help him sort himself out and get him back on the right kind of path in life, but Dean wasn't here, and never would be coming back, and for that reason he realises he is going to just have to try damn hard for the sake of his Mum, the one person who was always on his side.

Michelle finally begins to stir, having slept lightly for a couple of hours, she mumbles inaudible words before dragging her eyes open, them stinging from the tears she cried earlier. It takes a moment for her to register the loving arms that are still wrapped around her body gently and she finally looks up and meets Carla's gaze, giving her an exhausted and sad smile before slowly taking Carla's hand in her own and giving it a strong squeeze, feeling much better and gaining some strength from Carla's comfort, she wipes at her eyes determined to start being strong again, knowing she had to.

'Thankyou. For everything…' her voice is barely above a whisper but Carla hears every word loud and clear.

'No need to thank me, it's what I'm here for'


	5. Chapter 5

Michelle looked around at the bedroom as she sat down on the bed, glancing over at the picture of her, Dean and Ryan, taken on Ryan's 5th birthday. She couldn't believe how much it still affected her even after all of this time, she resented all of the people who told her 'It will get easier' or 'time is the best healer' they couldn't be more wrong, she ached for Dean, and the ache still hadn't gone, even after 11 years and she was certain it would never disappear, the day had been exhausting and whilst she was truly grateful for all Carla had done for her today, she was so relieved to be in bed on her own, despite Carla refusing to go home and eventually falling asleep on the comfortable white leather sofa in Michelle's living room. Michelle slowly pulled the duvet up to her chin, closing her eyes as she felt the tears threatening to fall once more, she hoped now that today, the anniversary was over she could try and rebuild herself again, knowing she had to for Ryan's sake, him being fragile enough as it was at the moment, she kept her eyes closed, being so emotionally exhausted from the days events and it did not take long for her to fall into yet another unsettled sleep.

'_I'm afraid you're husband has been involved in an accident, a serious accident…'_

'_What kind of accident?'_

'_A car accident, he was the driver of the car, over the drink limit, the paramedics came as fast as they could but I'm afraid it was too late'_

'_NO! You're wrong, Dean wouldn't do that, he'd never drink and drive, he knows better than that, and he's got a nine year old son upstairs, hes not that stupid!'_

'_I'm sorry Miss I know how hard this is for you, but we are very much correct'_

'_YOU'RE WRONG! Dean will be back any minute with Liam and Paul, they wouldn't let anything happen to him, they wouldn't!'_

_The knock at the door made Michelle's body physically jump from the sofa, as she quickly opened it, her face falling as she was faced with Carla. _

'_Finally, Carla, you'll know that this is all wrong, they're wrong, tell them! Tell them the boys will be home any minute'_

'_Chelle….. I'm sorry, they are right love'_

Carla sat on the edge of the bed, Michelle's tossing and turning having woken her up a while ago, she smiled sadly down at her best friend and stroked a hand gently through her short, dark hair, not wanting to wake her, just settle her, knowing how exhausted she had been earlier. Michelle's body didn't settle, her face scrunched up and her eyes damp and Carla slowly moved her over slightly so that there was enough room for her to sit on the bed properly, shuffling beside Michelle and wrapping her arms around the younger woman, one arm supporting behind her back as it rubbed soft circular patterns over her now hot skin, Carla noticed how Michelle instantly clung to her, her grip almost vice like. The scene only too familiar to Carla, this practically mirroring the way she had held Michelle the day that followed the incident, before Liam and Paul had returned from hospital, when it had just been the two of them, same as it was now. Carla sighed, thinking about how everything had gone down hill since then, first Dean's death, followed by Paul and then Liam, all of the men that had promised to be there for them both had all left them. It frightened Carla how they were all connected. Car crashes, like a curse, Carla thinks back and wonders if she had just been incredibly lucky the night she had crashed her car, having been drunk and already knocking over Stella, she swallowed back, determined not to crack herself, knowing she had to be the strength for Michelle at the moment, she glances down as Michelle stirs again, mumbling in her sleep, and Carla gently tucks a stray piece of hair carefully behind Michelle's ear, noticing the black mascara marks that stained her face from her tears, her heart aches knowing how much pain they have both suffered.

Michelle's breath hitches in her throat as she wakes up from yet another one of the flash back nightmares she constantly suffered with, looking up at Carla as she feels a soft finger wipe away the tears, she hates having to depend on anyone, hated acting like the weak one, even after Dean's death she had to pretend everything was OK, plaster a false smile across her face infront of her young son, unable to show how broken she was inside whilst in his company. In a way it feels like it became worse, more painful as Ryan grew older and was able to understand, Michelle didn't have to pretend as much, knowing that Ryan was smart enough to figure out how she was really feeling and that she had been putting a front on before now.

Carla notices Michelle's eyes open and she half smiles down at her as she takes hold of her hand, squeezing gently to show her support, wanting her best friend to know that she'll never be alone.

'You OK?' Carla whispers, noticing Michelle's eyes are totally fixated on the family picture on the bedside cabinet once more, knowing that she wouldn't be getting an answer whilst she was consumed in that photo.


End file.
